When the Mountain Calls Your Inner Darkness

A sherpa preparing the path for a new season of climbers. A terrifying situation - don’t sign me up to a Mount Everest summit hunt!

Dear Bryan,

I wonder what association you get, when you hear the word risk. My brain immediately wanders to mountaineering. The fascination that mountains trigger in me is still unbroken, as is my fascination with people, who seek out an adventure that will lead them through hell.

I once read an interview with the author of a book about the psychological side of mountaineering and it raised my curiosity even higher. He talked about the suicidal tendencies of some mountaineers. Taking more and more risk, like it was an addiction. Without oxygen, without rope, without companions, higher, steeper, deadlier – a spiral only stopped by death itself. As if they were lost long before their last climb. Just a matter of time…

Now and again, I read stories about mountaineers or watch videos about their ascents. I stumbled across a lot of psychological questions and hard moral ones, when it comes to mountain climbing. I really struggle to sort all the things, I want to talk about. Let’s maybe just start with these questions, I was asking myself: Do I look up to people who take a lot of risk? Do I look up to them, because of the risk? And do they impress me more, the higher the risk gets?

I tried to answer this questions in the context of climbing and mountaineering, because – although I never did anything more than hiking – it is clear to see, that I have an interest in those things, that feels more and more like a hunger. There are two different settings I had a look upon. One is climbing on steep rock walls, the other is trying to ascent mountains with over 8.000m peaks. Those are two differently risky things to do. The first one is all about an impressive skill, the second is more about endurance in extreme conditions.

I like watching climbing, as you know, but my preferred version is bouldering. I am afraid, that when I start talking about, why I love it so much, this email will go on forever. I have not the same level of passion for lead climbing, but I totally respect the skill and understand why climbers love doing it. Watching someone rope climbing in a beautiful landscape is sure a nice thing, despite my strong vertigo that also can hit me via screen. What I can’t stand on the other hand – as I found out lately – is watching someone free soloing – no rope, no pleasure for me. Actually, I noticed that I get slightly angry with the climbers, bringing me into a situation, where I could easily see someone fall to their death. I also get suddenly angry about them posting videos doing it and letting themselves be celebrated as heroes for a thing, where they could show the exact level of achievement without the possibility of falling to a sudden death. Suddenly, I get worried about young people trying those things without being ready. I can imagine that it is a nice feeling to climb that freely, but obviously it enrages me, which was a surprise, I have to confess. Maybe it is, because of my fear of heights, but I looked at other things as well and found the same pattern. I have no interest in watching trapeze artists working without a net for example. And yes, I do dangerous stuff myself, but it is less life threatening and I put safety gear on, if I ride a young horse, one that I don’t know yet, a traumatized one or when we go jumping. Sometimes, I even use a saddle 😜.

Of course you can always say, that it is the choice of the climber to take that high risk. But the older I get, the more I struggle seeing it that way. No one lives alone in their world. There are always responsibilities, that might be invisible at first, but will emerge, if something bad happens. Like a boy dying whilst trying to reenact your climb, refusing to take a rope, because it feels more heroic to do it without. And then there is the responsibility of the people around. Praising someone for taking the highest risk, is something I want to get a distance to. And this is what I honestly feel about it. If there are two climbers sending the same difficult wall, I will think higher of the one, who took the rope. In my eyes it is also the more impressing thing to take the responsibility to say: I will achieve that, but I don’t want my loved ones, friends or even bystanders get in the horrible position to see me fall to my death. Also to choose the way, where you will get less praise for achieving the same as your free soloing companion, is the stronger decision in my view.

So in this example it is clear to see, that more risk does not impress me more - on the contrary.

But what about mountaineering in the highest mountains of the world? That topic is catching me again and again and this time, I went really deep. I don’t know how many articles I read, how many videos I watched, maybe it was a bit too much. I found more and more questions about psychology and moral and in the end cruely irritating answers. But let’s start with a risk assessment. Let’s say, you feel a bit shit. Have I achieved enough in my life? Do I need to proof my worth to myself? You know, just the usual darkness every one bears within to a different degree. But you hear stories about how cool all those people are, who proved their mental and physical strength by reaching the summit of Mount Everest. Maybe you wonder, how high the risk of dying is and you google it. 6,5% says google, because of course there is a statistic for that. Maybe you say, that doesn’t sound that bad (yeah, I know in this scenario you are neither good at math nor at imagining reality). But imagining being in basecamp with 99 other climbers and knowing that in this case it would mean that six or seven would not come back sounds a bit grim to me. But maybe you are the type of person that gets some thrill out of that number, because it makes the successful summiteers look so much braver? Away from that number, what are the risks up there?

Well, the most people die in avalanches. Steep mountains with a lot of snow… Even in the basecamp it can hit and kill you. But of course that is not all. Ever heard of the death zone?

Uuuuuh – the death zone! What a dramatic phrasing! As it turns out, this is still not dramatic enough for what is really going on up there. I would rather choose the name dying zone, because of what I heard of it, up over 8.000m you start dying, it is just a matter of time and that time is short. If you stay too long you will die without any doubt. Your body stands no chance of recovering up there. Doesn’t that sound pleasant?

I watched a video about a successful ascent of K2. K2 is one of the deadliest of the 8.000m mountains – following our googled statistic. Annapurna is the deadliest by the way, with a third of the mountaineers dying. K2 kills only ten percent, so easy peasy, right? 🤪

People, who cherish their lives (as the ones in that video) wait till the weather is cold enough and they feel fit enough to go up there kind of fast. In the video, they first postpone their summit push and go back down to the basecamp, being probably a bit lifted up by the fact that none of the people passing them to head to the summit came through to the peak, because of ice blockages and too soft snow.

Another, and for me quite the most horrible danger on mountains like this, are crevasses. Maybe you know those pictures of three ladders tied together laid on top of a seemingly bottomless crack on Everest. And people crawling over it. Those pictures are the worst 🤢. If I somehow would manage to cross it once, would I be able to do it again to get home? Would my fear paralyze me so that I would claim: “Actually it is nice here on that mountain. I think, I will stay”? No need to try it. No Everest for me.

Back to that dying in the death zone thing. Altitude sickness is a danger that can hit you as low as 2.500m above sea level. And I read that is actually a problem in high altitude cities as La Paz, that even the people living there get sick again and again. The first symptoms are headaches, vertigo and nausea – basically I wouldn’t be able to differ it from a normal bad day in my body 🤪. When you go lower it will get better soon. But at those high altitudes like at K2 it gets really dangerous. The group in the video did a lot to avoid complications. They did everything that is recommended, even camping for one night super high up, where you basically can not sleep, because you just feel terribly ill. And we are still not in the death zone! Up there, the oxygen level is only a third of what we luxury-loving creatures breath in. Also quite deadly is the low air pressure. The size of your organs is increasing, which could lead to a lethal brain edema or a not less lethal lung edema. One doctor in my research videos explained it kind of like this: “Your brain starts moving down your spine.” That must be a lovely feeling. I don’t need to mention the literally freezing cold, right? Hypothermia causes a lot of dead fingers, toes and noses and a terrifying lot of dead climbers. You can also get snow blind of course. Just imagine a descent from a dangerous mountain whilst blind. And then there is another risk, that is strangely less discussed than the other dangers: Summit fever. Quite frankly, the high altitude makes you mad. So you are up high in the death zone on a mountain, where one wrong step means death. You have trouble breathing, moving, staying awake, not freezing to death. You really need a good brain now. But no, your brain is not available in its usual power. So there is a not that low risk of dying, because you do something tremendously stupid whilst hallucinating.

When you read about mountaineering in that high altitudes there is always the question of oxygen. A lot of mountaineers seem to think, that it is cheating to go up to the top with extra oxygen. This statement brings problems for me. I naïvely thought, going up that mountains was about adventure, loving mountaineering, challenge ones limits – yes – but mainly about being on the mountain. I grew up with a mountaineering father, who just loves the mountains and wants to be up there as much as possible. Saying it is cheating to use oxygen points in a totally different direction. So, is it all about stumbling uphill and making it back just in time to not die of exhaustion? Oxygen helps you keeping your mind in a deadly situation. “You went up there? Great! You used bottled oxygen? What a wimp! I went up there without help! Can’t remember it, but I have pictures to prove it. The other guy on the picture? He just vanished. Well, that happens. But the sherpas, that fixed the ropes for me, were really impressed that I made it to the summit. They had to push me hard on the way down, but I survived. Willpower is the key, I tell you. You just have to have real willpower to achieve such a success.”

After all I read and saw, I actually think that it is an insane idea to go up there at all. Going up there without even some spare oxygen that can safe you is just super weird. Putting pressure on others by saying that is it not the real deal, if you use a slightly less risky option in a idiotically high risk surrounding is just a dick move. I really struggle now to find positive things in that particular adventure. The amount of people dying, because they want to rescue someone else is also a clear sign, that it is not only your own risk that you take, going up there. You risk the future of your family, you risk the life of good people, who don’t want to let you die. And if you say now, that they shouldn’t come to rescue someone who chose these high risk, then we are back at the interview and that psychologist and his book, where he talks about suicidal tendencies in mountaineers. Through my depression, I sadly know too well, how suicidal tendencies can creep up on you without you even noticing. I know, how it can influence your actions silently. I would never trust someone stating that they don’t want to be rescued and I think it is cruel to expect others to just listen to this demand. But I am diving into another topic here. Let’s get back.

Taking high risks, surviving it and then feeling the need to take more risks the next time and even more in the endeavor after that, certainly doesn’t sound like a healthy thing. We are back at the deadly spiral from the beginning. “I went up the highest mountain! I am the king of the world!” And three months later: “I need to do better. This time I will do it without oxygen.” And a few months after that: “I will be the first one to do it alone.” “At night!” “In Winter!” “Without shoes!” “Backwards!” – This book author described this as what had happened to him. Till he realized that he will not come back, if he keeps following that addiction. He also realized that after every high he got for a few weeks after a summit, he fell into a feeling of uselessness that he could only fight by getting onto the next more dangerous challenge. I know that feeling all too well. But I know about my depression. It is not easy to fight that circle, but it helps when you are able to see, how it works. When you can detect the moment, when darkness takes over and whispers that you are worth nothing, then at least you can see, where it is coming from. When you notice that your own darkness is challenging you, you can fight it directly – not that that would be easy. It is clearly not! But you don’t need to get in the situation, where others leave you on a mountain, because they think you are already dead, to realize that going to a place named death zone might not be the best solution for your self-esteem problems and maybe also not the brag you think it is.

I had a quick look into a documentary about two climbers wanting to ascent Makalu. And one of them introduced herself with the words: “The actual feeling for me of being alive, doesn’t start until you’re literally confronted with things that can take away life that fast. I guess, that’s my justification of being out here and doing this.” Please, if I ever say something like that – maybe whilst dancing around a target, encouraging you to shoot an arrow at me – consider bringing me to a doctor. That does not sound that healthy for me. You know, through my condition I also struggle to feel alive or sometimes to feel at all, hearing quotes like that, make me realize how important my strategies for conquering it are. That thing, were I walk through nature, getting really happy about the smells, the colours, the vegetation, the wind, the animals – the ability to feel alive through simple things – that is really important. Feeling alive without being in the death zone that is a nice goal for someone like me 😉.

My questions from the start are answered. No, I don’t look up to people, who take high risk. I am impressed by hard learned skills, but taking risk is not a factor that I look up to. At least not in the context of proving one’s strength. If someone risks his life in order to safe someone else or to make things better for many, that is impressive. But using high mountains as a playground for the own ego has a bad aftertaste. And it doesn’t look awesome or brave, in the best case it looks ill-informed. And in the worst case?, you might add. Well, I will tell you in my next letter. I said, that I found summit fever strangely underdiscussed. It is not that strange to be honest, because I can see, why high altitude mountaineers don’t want to discuss it. After all my research, the picture I see is not a nice one. I can’t help myself, but what I see in all the stories, no matter if they tell tales of success or deadly failure, is that up there that high you mainly find one thing – up there, there is madness. And that madness might hide an unpleasant secret…

I will write you again soon, stay safe and healthy,

Sibylle