The Illusion Of The Deep Talk
Dear James,
Today I want to write you about something, that we discussed probably years ago, that still annoys me from time to time and sometimes makes me even feel empty and alone. I am talking about the misconceptions surrounding the experience of a “deep talk”. If I remember correctly, you set me once up with those famous “36 questions to fall in love”-scheme, so I would argue in length against the nonsense of the actual claim that you definitely fall in love, when you use them, and I think I picked a few up to point out, how they would destroy an evening with a traumatized person like me. And I think I came up with 37 questions for a way better evening – but I don’t think anyone tried them out actually 😅…
As you know, I tend to go to social meetups quite frequently and at least one of them, always had those questions ready to step in, if the conversation on the table stops or is arduous like old bubble gum. I know, I complained about some of them now and again, but I feel like a certain burden has built up over the years and I need to smash it on the ground and into pieces. As always, I will try to look at it as calm as possible at the topic and as always I will fail, but let’s forget about that for now and let’s dive into the illusion of the deep talk.
Why do I call it an illusion? As we both know, deep conversations exist and we have maybe shared some nice ones in the past. A deep talk can feel liberating, it is able to weave a strong bond between the participants, it can even lead to important conclusions or decisions that turn around your life - for better or for worse, as you maybe want me to include. A deep talk can be a significant experience and so it is no wonder, that people are looking for those. If I start feeling overwhelmed, confused, restless, empty or somewhat lonely, I feel a need for such a conversation. People with better experiences with psychologists than I have, can pay for a session, which is one way to do it. But you might agree, that having such conversations with a friend or a partner feels better. And people looking for partners are often looking for that exact thing: A conversation feeling deep and making you bond with that person. Sometimes you start a walk with a stranger and you are friends in the end, and sometimes you start with a friend and a few hours later you are in love. It is completely understandable that people are longing for this. They want to feel a “deeper connection”, they want to feel touched personality-wise, they want to find someone, who sees them and understands them and takes the time to listen and think about your perspective and in the end care about you. And I want that too. And I know it is the reason, why I keep on going to this events. I am looking for friends to have deep conversations with, friends that care for me and friends that allow me to care for them deeply. So why do I hate the provided “deep questions” so much?
Short version: They are not leading to deep conversations. Also, you can not trick yourself into deep conversations. And also also, I don’t want to have deep conversations with a table full of strangers.
Puh, I feel lighter already. But maybe that is not enough to distract you from work efficiently 😉. So let’s have a look at some of the questions:
What would you do, if your spouse cheated on you? Would you forgive?
This question came up at the last meetup. I remember it, because after everyone mumbled a “I don’t know” and a “that might depend on the situation” – which are for sure the truthful answers to this very speculative question - one person at our table said: “Who can speak out of experience?” Which was a better approach than letting us imagine unwelcomed experiences. So one guy broke up with his girlfriend or maybe she with him, because she fell in love with that other guy. And the guy, who came up with the idea, said that he forgave her, which didn’t surprise me, because the way he spoke, let me think, that he himself might not see relationship rules as strict for himself. Another guy without experience talked immediately about revenge. Did I want to hear that from a stranger sitting next to me? No. I am not keen on men, who think they have a right to revenge cheating in any other way than splitting up. So, what did I had at the end of that round? A try to imagine some weird situation that would put my marriage, my home and the home of my children into jeopardy in order to speculate about a thing, I definitively know, that I can’t foresee my reaction to. And the knowledge that the guy sitting next to me thinks it makes him look cool to fantasize about hurting women. Do you think that is deep? Well, it is in the Viennese usage of the word “tiaf” maybe, but that is another story (it is not a good thing, I can assure) 😉… It didn’t make me feel good and also I felt a bit bored. I actually have not much interest in the speculations that people have of their own behaviour.
What makes a deep conversation good? Yes, speculations can be a part of it, but maybe more in the context of: “I wonder, how I would react, if I would do this or that….”. So speculations about things you can actually control to some degree, like moving to another country, quitting work and looking out for another career, founding a gyoza-selling company, things like that… (by the way, did I ever tell you that there was an illegal “Fleischtaschen-Ring” operating in Vienna that got busted by the police? Like a Gyoza-Mafia. Or the Yagyoza, as it would be called in Japan 😉).
When you had a button in front of you that would swap the gender of all humans for two years, would you push it? … …. … I had this question brought up at a table with 7 men and I was the only woman at the whole event. I mean… Wtf? Where do I even start here? No, I wouldn’t press any button that would influence other people’s lives in quite an invasive way. I am neither a sociopath nor a dictator, I am not even gambling with food resources on the stock market. I am very glad that no such button will ever exist and I don’t believe that the cruel and unjust effects of patriarchy would slow down, if men were just put in women’s place for two years. And yes, there are people in the world, I would discuss this question with and maybe we would find a stronger bond afterwards, but there is one thing that I really don’t want to hear, and that is the answers of this speculative and highly explosive question on a table full of strangers. I think, the chance of someone finding a great answer that would warm my heart and fills me with encouragement is really low, the chance that someone outs himself as transphobe, homophobe or misogynistic is dramatically higher. I got really anxious from answer to answer: Yeah, that is a normal thing to say, well done. Okay that sounds weird, but it is still okay, I guess. Uh, that sounds like you have never met a woman before. Okay, this is just plainly misogynistic…
So, in the end, I just left the table. Did I miss a chance for a deeper connection?... Well, the nicest guy in the group followed me with some distance. He checked on me to see, if I was alright, but didn’t approach me – because he saw me choosing some distance. So I approached him and he told me, how he saw me struggle and that he was anxious as well and I cried a bit and he was really sweet. So, is this the way those “deep questions” are supposed to work? You get really anxious that someone says some upsetting shit, that would lead to a situation in which you can not hold back any longer and you would get embarrassingly aggressive and shred that person to pieces, so that when this horror scenario is avoided, you bond with a stranger who has the exact same anxiety problem?
“I was so afraid, that I might murder some asshole!”
“Hey, me too! What a coincidence! I already was warming up my fingers to get a good strangling grip.”
“You did? How cute! I was sharpening my key, so I could slit some throat!”
“Oh girl, we need to be besties forever!” 💕
You know, what I like to do with a table full of strangers? I want to ask them, where they’re coming from, what languages they speak, what passions they have, what field they study – I am even interested in their workplace, although two thirds of the table will be programmers 😉. To talk a bit, why they moved to Vienna, what movies or books they like and what hobbies they have, gives me actually a good overview, if I want to become friends with them. Do they make jokes, do I like them, are they also interested in what I have to say? I can find out with what people refer to as small talk. Are they interested to learn some archery? Are they into climbing and can me teach how to do that? Do I have interest in their native language and would enjoy a language exchange? Of course problems will come up at some point (I might mention my depression) and I will probably see it, when they are looking for a companion through the world of shadows. And if they make a good impression, I will ask more. And if I like them and feel, they are interested in what I have to tell as well, then I might invite them to a walk. And walks are made for deep conversations. I will tell some deeper stuff about me and will see, if they want to share something out of their life. Maybe I will find out, that there are things, I can not cope with, but there is always a chance, that we find something in common or something, that thrills us in one another. And this is how I find my friends on Meetups. Friends for archery, friends for deep talks, friends for life. And never ever did it happen that someone answered a “deep question” and I went: “Oh, my god, I need to befriend this person!”, but again and again it happened, that I wished, I had never heard the answer of a participant. “Respect the opinion of others!”, tells us the organizer every time. But that is easier said than done, when someone’s opinion is, that he is superior to me by birth and that half of humanity has no right to complain or to demand the same rights as the ones he holds by being born into a different gender. “Don’t be political!” How shall I do that with having to answer, if I ever encountered sexism? Problems of society are always political! That is what politics is all about – making rules for society. Do you think the government should interfere with the consume of drugs or should it be the choice of the user? How on earth is that not political?
So, what I am trying to say is, that deep conversations shouldn’t be the goal, when it comes to a table full of strangers. Sharing deep thoughts has something to do with trust. And that is part of the beauty of it. That is partly responsible for making talks feel so good and - yes – deep. When I open up in front of you, it is a sign, that I put trust in you. And if someone opens up in front of me, I immediately feel a bond forming. That trust comes with the responsibility not to break it. If you show me your vulnerable side, I will show respect and empathy and with becoming friends a promise is forming. The closer the friendship gets, the more strands are woven into the bond. I will never ridicule you for your vulnerable spots, I might do jokes about other things, but taking the fears and traumata of friends seriously is for me the number one rule of friendship. So when you go for a walk with an almost stranger, you can start talking about your problems, about your inner truths and you will see, how your companion will react. If that companion reacts in a way, that lets you trust that person even more, you will share deeper things. And if that person trusts in you, you will get some personal stuff back that you then have to treat with respect. You can give comfort and support and depending on how well you engage with one another, you might end the walk with the great feeling of having found someone. Or at least of having had a special conversation – a deep conversation. Something profound. A moment of spoken truth.
I don’t think that you can fake that special experience with just asking very personal questions, that you would only discuss with someone you trust. I wouldn’t be even so sure, that it is the actual content of a talk that can give you the feeling of “deepness” – at least not alone. It might have more to do with how well the other person listens and if you feel safe to share, if you feel understood and respected, seen and appreciated, comforted and supported. The topics might only be a vehicle to transport those emotions and unspoken promises. The bond might form over feelings of trust.
Don’t know how: Could you live without social media for a year?, could help with that. To think, that you just have to know a certain set of questions to get that feeling a deep conversation can bring, is in my eyes an illusion. You need the right person for such an experience. Liking each other might also help.
